Eiffel Tower Memories

Two and a half years ago, I turned my phone back on while I was still in Paris so I could communicate more easily with my sisters. As I stood under the Eiffel Tower one evening waiting for some friends, my phone rang suddenly. It was the first call I had had since leaving for Egypt earlier that summer. It was my "soul mate," (his words) asking me if I wanted to go to the movies later that week. Had a film crew surrounded me, I would have been in the best romantic film ever. I calmly answered him, yeah, next week when I get home. I was home for about 3 days and he called me again. He had forgotten about a Labor Day cookout he had to go to. He asked me if I would like to join him and then go see the movie afterwards. Unfortunately I had a falling out the previous year with the friends he was going to visit that afternoon. I politely declined and said we could watch it the next week. A week passed and I finally called him back to see if he was available. He said he really wanted to see me and then something made him catch his breath. I heard it and asked him what was up. I remember the conversation to the minute detail, "well, I thought that I should be the one to let you know, but I had sex with Katie that night." To be completely honest I wasn't surprised and I told him that. I said to him, "I had a feeling it would happen eventually." His answer was honest, "really?" "Yeah," I told him, "remember when we were dating and the thousands of times I asked you why you weren't with her?" He did and I told him, "it was bound to happen." I wasn't upset because their friendship had endured since High School, they had been lovers once before we became a couple. All his reassurances that I was his soul mate began to fade. We had had a tumultuous love affair that ended too soon. I think in both our minds we felt that we were leading ourselves back to one another, and this time for good.

I often find myself in the "what-ifs." What if I would have said screw everybody, I'm going to the cookout. I had wanted to avoid any drama that would have occurred and now I am definitely in the "what-ifs." Agent G and Katie posted today that they will be welcoming a baby in May. My heart grieves tonight knowing that one moment could have changed everything.

I'm not angry, I'm not resentful (even though I really want to punch a wall), I'm just saddened that it wasn't me. All my heart-felt beliefs came true. He was meant to be with her even if it was to me he told was his soul mate. Energy flows where attention goes is my saying. I believed in my heart that they would be together... and I must say, the Universe granted me it.

I hope their child is beautiful....

The Unattached Life

"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God."

Recently one of my co-workers gave my name to a life-insurance agent who has been working with our store. When I asked her why she had done that, she asked me if I didn't think about my future and what's going to happen to my belongings. Of course I think about my future, but I certainly don't worry about my things. I just don't think I have much of an attachment to them. Last year during the "Race for the Cure," my car was broken into and my purse was stolen. Along with my purse, my most favorite rings were taken. One was given to me by my Godmother/Aunt Julie when I turned sixteen. The other was a thrift store Angel ring my mother gave to my cousins, sisters and me when my aunt passed away from breast cancer. More than my debit and credit card being stolen, I was most upset about this. My money was of no concern to me, it was the memories those two rings brought me that I was upset about. I did the most logical thing when I got home after the race; I cancelled my cards. I only mourned my rings, not my broken window or ransacked car or the $40 that was in my wallet. The material things are replaceable. Luckily I have the memories of my Aunt and a replacement ring given to me by my father and one of the Angel ones from my sister Alex. She knew that I wore it every day and gave me hers.

First of all, I don't think that I am better than anybody or that I fully follow this lesson found in the 10th chapter of the Gospel of Mark. There are many ways to interpret this passage and I wish I could do it justice like the pastor at my church did on Sunday.

Some of us create unhealthy attachments to material goods. Last Saturday I went to a going away party for one of my co-workers at another co-worker's house. It was a new house and the furniture and decor reminded me of Edward Norton's apartment in "Fight Club." Our host gave me a tour the minute I walked through the door, and for some reason I felt like making fun of him the whole time. I kept calling him a dork for naming a room, "the chocolate room!" It's not that I was jealous, I was just in awe of the ludicrous nature of the possessions that had no real meaning other than to create a sense of material wealth. The one room that didn't reflect this was shown to me in the dark and consisted of a cot. It's funny how the room with the bare minimum gets the least amount of attention. It just proved my little theory that this party was thrown to show off this house, not to really say goodbye to our friend. This house reflects the type of life, I'm assuming, this person wants to portray.

I wasn't uncomfortable nor am I judging because from the age of probably thirteen to eighteen, I lived in a home that was for display only. I would say that both my father and mother, even though they live in separate homes now, still uphold that material standard. I do care what others think of my living arrangements, as I don't want people to think that I'm a slob, but I also know that a home is meant for living. I don't want to live in a museum. I have a studio apartment that I have furnished with used goods, except for my bed. I HAD to have a decent bed! Every year for Christmas I ask for appliances. If I don't have something, I go to the thrift store. Maybe this just reflects my frugalness and that I would rather spend my money in other areas, like travel. I would rather expand my cultural horizons than buy a coffee table book about the Giant Buddhas in Afghanistan. (Being that Afghanistan will probably be off limit for tourism for a while, the book may have to suffice for now though!!! :) After the sermon on Sunday, I knew that I didn't want to have attachments to material goods and I think I'm doing pretty good in that department.

HOWEVER!!!!

The Sermon was not about forming attachments to material goods! It was more about forming unhealthy attachments to people, drugs, sex, gluttony;lets just say, the Seven Deadly Sins! AHHHH!!!!! Having an unattached life then becomes difficult and even more disconcerting!

Who of us hasn't found ourselves slaves to our emotions? I know I have. I used to date this guy (many, many, many years ago) who I couldn't let go of. He was an awful sort of person. He would tell me that I was ugly, that I lacked self-esteem, not very bright, and that if I wouldn't satisfy him (you know how) then he would look for it elsewhere. I tried my hardest to be the best I could be for him, but nothing ever seemed to be just right. At my Grandfather's 80th birthday party, I tried pulling him near me for some reason and was giddy because I was with my family. He got in my face, grabbed my bi-cep to hold me there, and sneered at me, "what the fuck is wrong with you? Don't you ever do that again." I backed away and later I apologized to HIM for being a silly girl. I guess he did apologize to me after that, but why the hell was I willing to put up with this behavior? I guess in some sick way, I needed somebody to complete me. Oh Shel Silverstein, where were you when I needed you the most? Luckily I know now that I am my missing piece. Sometimes when I think back about the horrible things he said to me, and how he kept me in my place, I want to call him up and give him a peace of my mind. I sometimes will write him an e-mail to ask if he is happy, and when he says that he is not really, then I am satisfied with knowing that he is a miserable person. I guess technically I should let that attachment go, to the feeling that I am happy that he is unhappy. I have forgiven him in my heart even though he has never asked for an apology. My goal to live a positive life, and one with high standards is thanks to him, so I guess keeping the memories alive about him help pave my life. This doesn't mean that I haven't since then found myself unhealthily attached to another person though. Fortunately I have been able to recognize when things need to end to continue the quality of life that I have set for myself. Sometimes it is heartbreaking because I know that people are essentially good, but I have to be good to myself first.

I know I started this with a passage from Mark and I don't want to be preachy, but I believe God wants us to live a good life while we are here on earth. Many of us will assess much wealth during our lives, but we must be willing to let go of it. Becoming unattached to our goods is the healthiest way to do this. Realizing that they are only good while we last is the best thing I think. Then there are many of us who become consumed with believing that our unhealthy habits make our lives rich. The highs I had when I was with my former boyfriend were amazing, I felt that my life was right on track. I quickly realized after moving to Florida to get away from him, that my life had taken a risky detour. Some of us become addicted to drugs and alcohol to escape the realities of life. I believe that God wants us to find a way to make our lives worthwhile and in a healthy sort of manner.

I decided last Saturday to stop drinking and to only partake when I am with my sisters, which is at the most 3 or 4 times a year and only two or three cocktails. Maybe champagne on New Years and a glass of wine on my Birthday. I don't need alcohol to form relationships with my friends or to be able to mingle with strangers. I'm living a good life and I think dousing my feelings and thoughts with alcohol inhibits me from sharing that with others.

The end...

A Chaos-Free Life

Have you ever known somebody who always seems to attract negativity and chaos into their lives? I am often perplexed by these people. Something is always wrong. They either never have money, they are dealing with an ex, they can't seem to find a down payment for a house, their co-workers are out to get them, they are afflicted with illness... and so much more.

I think for a brief stint in my life, I was this person. About six months ago I decided to put an end to it. In December of last year I was miserable. I told my new psychiatrist that I always ruin people's lives. Instead of saying to myself, "hey everything is gonna be cool," I ended up wreaking havoc not only on my life, but on the lives of several others in my social network. Fortunately some of them were able to see that I was dealing with something only I could deal with on my own. Those wise enough left me to figure out my issues myself. Others I kept harassing to let me explain myself. Some of them only became more frustrated with me. The best advice was probably from Sarah, "it's gonna be okay." Ashley was patient and waited it out with me. She confessed to me that she was relieved when I snapped out of it. It took me about 3 months to consistently tell myself over and over, "it's gonna be okay. You will get out of this funk." Through my tears and self hatred, I kept saying it... and one day in February, something clicked; I was released from the funk. I woke up one morning and stopped saying that I ruin lives. Honestly, the only life I was truly ruining was my own. I wasn't focusing on what I wanted to achieve, I was only focusing on what I believed I had lost. And what was it that I had lost? Absolutely nothing. After much reflection, it is all about what I have gained. I still have my friends (and much closer friendships they are I must admit), I still have my drive to be creative (and probably more so), I still have my life and that life is full of more achievements waiting to be met. And now I have this ability to understand my emotions and fulfill them from within myself.

But how did this constant reassurance work for me? Was it the new drugs? Partially I'm sure, but it was also faith. Not just faith in God, but faith in everything. I decided to take my drugs without fail as the doctor ordered. I decided that I would work with my therapist to see what was causing these feelings of unworthiness. I looked at myself everyday in the mirror and told myself to be patient... that I would be okay. I talked to my father, my mother, my sisters, my friends. I did everything I could to get back to where I needed to be. I was consistent in my efforts to be well, and then it happened. I put my running shoes on one evening and even though it was freezing outside, I went for a run. When I run I feel like I become one with the earth, one with my world. Another day I picked up my camera and took a picture. My camera allows me to capture the world of which I am one with. I looked at people differently, I felt differently about the way the universe works, and I realized that I had created these feelings of wholeness by myself. I was faithful and diligent in my quest to find what fulfills me.

I wouldn't say that I am completely one hundred percent there. Maybe 80% and getting closer.

And this brings me to what I have been doing to keep the positive aspects of my life in motion. I always use affirmative words and try hard to keep negative words out of my vocabulary. I strive to keep my comments positive. Complaining about our situations is the first way to make our situations even more negative. If I have difficulty trying to figure out how to do something, I remain positive and steadfast in my quest to find a solution. It may take me a while, but if I remain confident that I will accomplish what I need, then shit, I'll accomplish it.

I will admit that it is often hard to be positive at all times. I tell the girls at work that I feel like I am constantly playing Devil's Advocate. I strive to keep myself from falling into the abyss of negativity. At times I do backslide, but I attempt to bring myself back up to the surface for a breath of positivity. It's the only way I think that I will be able to remain uplifted and chaos free.

My hope and my prayers are that we can all find the good in our lives and continue to aspire towards happiness and contentment. It's hard work, but attainable. I believe it and I have to continue to believe it to make it true.

Peace friends...

My Grandpa is 85 Today!

Say what?!?!?!? I have many thoughts on this, be patient!

You're so Stupid

Gotcha! You're not really stupid, but I've been having this issue with intelligence lately.

I hate to say this, but I don't come from relatively smart parents. My mother is the more intelligent of the two of my gene donors, but she's not all that book smart. Because of them, I think that's why I've had this crazy obsession with doing really well in school. I worked so hard on my degrees that at times I might have over-stressed myself. I wanted to be perfect.

(No offense Mommy, I'm getting to the point where I praise you for your smartness. Actually I'll just say it here, you are so smart from keeping me protected when I was little from you know who. I can only imagine what kind of life I would have had, had he been a part of it. Although Papi wasn't perfect, I thank God you found him to give me a good life. I mean, seriously, not every child gets to experience culture in the way I did growing up. Thank you soooo much for loving me to your fullest capacity)

Okay, here goes. I got a 17 on the ACT because I just don't understand those types of tests. I went to a community college because I didn't want to have to do better. The ACT was stressful and I didn't want to put myself through it again. Based on those scores I had to take placement testing. Because I understand the concepts of Algebra and I can read and write very well, I was placed in college level courses. I never had to take the preparatory level classes thankfully. Owing to my fear of standardized tests, I have been hesitant to apply to graduate school because I don't want to take the GRE. When I see a comparison question, (ie. this is to this, as that is to that) I flip out a little bit and whatever intelligence is there, goes right out the window. Dr. Wynkoop (my most beloved professor) is always encouraging me to get my Masters in History, but I can't bring myself to take the test. I asked her how much Grad Schools actually look at the scores and she admitted that they base their decision largely on it. DAMN!!! I guess if I really want to go to Grad School, I will take the GRE classes and then take the test. Ugh. Those tests are used to evaluate students to see if they will achieve in college. According to my score, I should not have done well at all. My college career according to the statistics would have me dropping out of college. They aren't the fairest of tests in judging intelligence, but they are what they are. They serve a purpose I suppose.

I'm going to come right out and say this, I am a VERY smart person. I absorb almost anything I read. I can take one text and contextualize it with another without batting an eye. I can come up with a marketing idea for work without much effort. I can figure out how to do things in a simple and efficient manner. (I feel like I'm writing a cover letter for a job) I don't think I need to sell any of you on my intellect. What I'm getting at is that no matter how smart I am, I can still be stupid.

Everybody has the ability to be STUPID. How we deal with our ability to be stupid is where intelligence creeps in. I am a glutton for human contact. I call people, I text them, I write them letters, I want to get my point across. Generally this happens when I'm angry. Like most people, I want to have the last word. Where my intelligence goes bye bye in this context is when I don't realize when enough is enough! Okay, that's not entirely true. I realize it after I've squandered relationships. And not just male/female relationships, but those involving friendships also... even relationships with my family. It's like the rationalizing section of my brain flips to off, and I go overboard. I get sneaky, I ask questions about what that person has done... blah blah blah. Word gets back and oops, I've screwed things up.

However! This is something I'm working on. When I get to that point where I'm borderline harassing someone, I take a step back and go... oh, this is how you get in trouble. The entirety of the brain isn't used all at once and sometimes we let whatever part control emotions go haywire. At least that's the part I let get away from me. And when I've realized the wrong I've done to other people, I feel stupid. It's not like it's going to dominate my life though or make me think that I'm a lesser person, it just sometimes makes me feel awkward. If you ever saw me, you'd think, now there's a girl that has her shit together. However, sometimes that "shit hits the fan." Being completely in control of yourself is a hard task to take on, but because I have a high capacity of intellect, I know that one day, I'll have my shit together 99.9% of the time.

What about you? What do you do that's stupid?

Joe being Joe... a Happy Kid.
King of the fallen tree.Joe and Alicia


Joe was probably one of the coolest kids to walk the face of the planet.

You will be forever missed.
We'll always remember to live the good life! Fly with the Angels....

Settling and Being Emotionally Mature

My most recent gmail status says, "I'm an extremist. I like to have a lot of fun, but I can also be very serious. My emotional capacity is large." And if you don't like it, FUCK OFF!

I wrote that and have been thinking all day about my situation. I'm not in any bad situation. I'm enjoying my life. I'm doing all the things that I like to do and I'm pretty confident that I'm good at what I'm doing. There is only one part of my life that seems to always end up going awry, my thinking.

One of my favorite quotes is from Ayn Rand's novel, Atlas Shrugged, and it here it is:

"i like to think of fire held in a man's hand.

fire, a dangerous force, tamed at his fingertips.

i often wonder about the hours when a man sits alone,

watching the smoke of a cigarette, thinking.

i wonder what great things have come from such hours.

when a man thinks, there is a spot of fire alive in his mind--

and it is proper that he should have the burning point of a cigarette

as his one expression."

I love this quote because, even though I am not a man, it is how I view myself. My brain is constantly on fire, analyzing ways to do things better, how to be more creative, figuring out how people think, learning how my own mind works and what is behind my thought processes. Unfortunately my thinking turns others away and often leaves me feeling rejected. I think so often to myself, what the hell did I do? And of course, like everything else! this leads me to think of my past relationships with people, especially men of course. Just a side note, I don't talk a lot about my girlfriends because for the most part I have NO problems communicating with them. I think I'm very lucky to have found women in my life who I can relate to and who don't take their thinking brains for granted. My closest friends (you know who you are girls) are incredibly intelligent, confident and beautiful women. That's not to say that occasionally they don't have moments of confusion and emotional hang-ups. What's great about them, is that they are like me, in tune and capable of dealing with whatever challenges that arise. And I don't think they are necessarily lucky to be with the men they are with, they are fortunate to have found the ones that are equally emotionally available and who understand that relationships take time to grow. They understand that relationships don't just happen, and are able to grow with the women they are with.

So, where am I going with this you ask. Well here goes: Two men that I have dated in the past have told me during our breakups that they didn't want to settle. I'll admit, to hear those words hurts and it stings deep down. It has made me feel like, "what the fuck is wrong with me?" I've done a lot of thinking about this, and guess what? Nothing is wrong with me, something is wrong with YOU! So, I'm not emotionally stable ALL the time! BIG DEAL! Nobody is. The reason that you think you're settling is because you don't have a clue as to how to deal with a woman who thinks. A girl who has the occasional emotional setback isn't repellant, she's just trying to figure out what's going on in her brain. What many men don't realize, is that once she gets out of her funk, she's usually a MUCH stronger person. A man that is frightened by a woman who has emotions and the capacity to think them through, is the one who is emotionally IMMATURE. A woman who finds herself dealing with a man who can't just say, "hey, it's gonna be cool" and let her figure it out, should turn the other way and run; and run fast.

What's unfortunate is that the world is full of unworthy men who think they are the shit! And the one that told me that he didn't want to date me because I have too many opinions and theories, I say good luck with finding your ideal stupid housewife! I have a brain and by God, I'm going to use it! Thank you Ayn Rand for being a thinking, intelligent woman during a time when women were just supposed to be at a man's ever whim.

The Best Quote Ever

and I'll tell you why and not because I agree with it one hundred percent.

Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved. – Victor Hugo (1802-1885)

So many times in my past I have searched and failed to find somebody to love. Finding that ONE person to want to be with was a quest I felt I had to complete to find my happiness. Fortunately, you don't need ONE person to love you to convince yourself you are loved. If you think for about two seconds, "who loves me no matter what," you will always find yourself at least one person. To know that somebody cares gives me comfort; I will always have somebody to turn to. Knowing that I am loved always gives me comfort to know that I can willingly reciprocate.

I often have felt alone and that I don't belong in this world. Fortunately I've taken a little bit more than two seconds to think about how valuable my life is. I've thought about all the people who have stood by my side as I've battled my depression. I think a lot about my childhood, and how even though it was rocky and chaotic much of the time, that I do have wonderful memories. I can acknowledge that every moment that I smiled or laughed signifies every hint of love that was given to me. I've been able to let go of the troubled memories and forgive the people that may have caused my pain. It's so simple to find love where once you may not have thought it existed. My happiness does not come from convincing myself that I am loved, but from KNOWING that I am loved. To know that I am loved for just being the person that I am however, HAS convinced me to love myself. Being able to love yourself affords the possibility of having others love you as well. Being able to love yourself allows you the opportunity to spread love unconditionally to others.

Do yourself a favor: Think for just two seconds of how someone has demonstrated that they loved you no matter what! It's quite simple. All I have to do is remember the endless Friday nights as a child, laying on the couch in my Grandparents basement watching MASH, my head on my grandfather's lap as he scratched my back for the entirety of the show.

Love is amongst us always and more than likely in its simplest form.

30 Going on 13

A few years ago there was a movie starring Jennifer Garner titled "13 Going on 30." I think back on my childhood and teenage years and wonder why I would EVER want to be old. As kids, we think that adults have no rules to follow, nobody breathing down our necks to get things done. Aren't we ever surprised to find out that things just get more and more complicated and the rules that we thought would disappear only become more complex. The relationships with our parents either becomes stressed or it becomes easier. In my case, a little of both.

I'm 31 now and I remember the day I turned 25. I think of my 20s and realize how tumultuous they were, and how comparable they were to a teenager's experiences. When most people had already figured out their problems and attacked them head on, I was still discovering what I really wanted out of life. I wanted a boyfriend like nobody's business, I wanted someone to belong to. But this feeling isn't a normal feeling that a 25 year old should have. A 25 year old, (according to psychologists) should be self-aware and ready to find a mate and establish consistency for their lives. At 25, I felt like I was maybe able to finally break out of my insulated life. I still cannot believe the effect my parents, especially my father, had on me at that age. Most people begin to distance themselves from their parents during their teens. Many are able to manifest a self-sustaining lifestyle by their early twenties. I often feel like until I was 26, I was still hand-cuffed to them. I felt that my every move, my every decision was still governed by their ruling fists. I was afraid of the world, afraid of people, afraid of myself, afraid of what companionship should look like.

I just rode my bike to see a guy that I really like, but who I broke things off with because I wanted to be fair to myself. I really wanted him to be my boyfriend, but I didn't think he could meet that expectation for me. I have three very important rules that a man must meet to be eligible to be with me... and unfortunately, he didn't meet the most important number one rule. In my mid twenties until very recently, I was willing to bend those rules. As a result, I have only been met with heartache. I'm not willing anymore to bend because I want a man that can live up to my expectations. It hurts to see him because I care so very much for him. I see his life and how it doesn't match with mine. I wanted it to, but I don't think it ever can. Maybe, but I'm done wasting my time trying to be lenient with what I want. I want my life to be good. I often wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't realized what I wanted so much later than others. I know their are people out there who are much more fucked up than me and I'm not sad about where I am. If I believed in re-incarnation, I would wonder what I did in a past life to get to where I am now. I have hope for my future, I have hope that I will find love. But what comforts me now most, is that I value myself, and one of these days I will find somebody that will value all those same things. It's not a futile endeavor to pursue and I will remain hopeful as always.

The end! Not for the blog though. I'll keep going until blogspot doesn't exist I suppose!

The Signs are All Around You...

I never used to believe in looking for signs, but I now believe that they exist. Four weeks ago I heard a song on the radio which triggered a memory of a person. I thought and thought about a way to get back into contact. Today, that person contacted me.

It's crazy, but I now believe in signs. I stayed true in my hope to find this person again... and it happened. I always remained positive and knew it would happen, and it did.

I'm amazed and fairly baffled... wow!

Not life altering, but I took staying positive seriously. Some may call it obsessive, but it's not. When you really want something, you have to indeed remain steadfast, even if it means saying a simple prayer. Next endeavor to stay positive about?

Making more money!!! $$$$$$$$$$$$ Getting ahead!!! $$$$$$$$$$$$ Living comfortably!!! $$$$$$$$$$$$$